Posts from — October 2010

I am 55 and now when I watch a xxx movie all I want to look at is the guy…never had this feeling before I dream about [oral sex with a guy.] Why do I have this feeling?

Gosh, I wish I could answer that question, but it’s just not that easy.

I’m a big gay, homosexual lesbian.  For real.  But I used to love to watch the show Queer as Folk.  Loved it.  I dug the story lines, and the characters…and the sex.  Which was interesting to me, because it was 99% hardcore guy-on-guy sex.  It wasn’t about the guy parts for me.  I really don’t like watching straight sex scenes in movies.  But I liked watching guys go at it on Queer as Folk.

I mentioned it to a couple of lesbian friends, and found that a lot of lesbians felt the same way.  After talking about it, we settled on the fact that we all really liked the freedom with which gay male sex was depicted.  There were no hang-ups.  No need for emotion or connection or anything, other than raw attraction.  And that was something different than our experience – certainly different than the way lesbians are depcited.  So we watched the show each week, eagerly anticipating the sex scenes.  Not because we wanted to be with men, but because we liked the idea of raw sex without attachment.  Which was the depiction, even if it wasn’t the reality.

Sexuality is a funny thing.  I heard at one point that gay male porn was more popular than straight porn for women in cultures where women aren’t treated as sexual equals.  The fact that both partners were treated as equals – strong partners – in the gay films was the fantasy that the women were wanting a part of.  Not the gay sex.

So I don’t know what it means that you find yourself aroused by the thought of gay sex.  It might mean that you’re gay.  It might mean that you’re bisexual, or bicurious.  Or it could mean that you are into the idea of pleasuring someone who you see as an equal.  Or sex without attachment.  Or even that you would enjoy being dominated.  I’m not a sex therapist, so I really can’t even hazard a guess here.

I don’t know your situation.  Don’t know if you’re married or if you have kids.  Don’t know if you’ve had sexual experiences with men or women in the past.  I do know that having new sexual feelings can be confusing and even frightening.  So let me be clear:  I’m not suggesting that you do anything like hire a prostitute or cheat on your wife or girlfriend to figure this out.  What I am saying is that it’s good that you’re recognizing attractions that you’re having.  Exploring them might bring up emotion, but that’s part of being human.

It might be worth talking with a therapist to see if you can understand why you’re having new feelings, or joining a group that addresses issues of sexuality.  I know I’m always amazed that other people share my experiences and questions.  Even if it doesn’t answer the question for me, it always makes me feel much less alone.

October 15, 2010   No Comments

What’s the difference between transsexual, transgender, transvestite and cross-dresser?

I am pleased to introduce our guest contributor, elzie.  Please welcome her and submit any questions regarding Trans issues that you would like her to answer.

This is a wonderful question and like all questions about labels, it can have various answers all depending on the individual and the circumstances. I personally am not a big fan of labels, since they tend to pigeon hole people into a group without a care for their individualism. On the other hand, labels help get conversation started and that is always a good thing.  So here goes my take on the definitions.

As our society grows and matures, so do our definitions.  Transsexual (also can be spelled transexual) is the medical term for a person who has changed their physical gender to their desired target gender. So in my case, I changed my gender from male to a female (MtF). This is also true of a female to male (FtM) as well. A transsexual lives fulltime in their new gender and usually has had some sort of reassignment surgery changing their physical appearance and/or hormone replacement.  In the strictest sense, a transsexual is a person who has had surgery to change their physical appearance to match their target gender and live fulltime as this gender.  Some transsexuals move into society and live solely as their target gender and identify as only male or only female.

Now, transgender is a more general term and has been widely accepted as politically correct; only really because transsexual has had such a negative stigma associated with it from the 70’s (and beyond).  Maybe this is why I tend to call myself a transgendered woman, or for short a transwoman. Though transgender can refer to any person that dabbles in the binary male/female roles opposite to their birth gender.  This is the more common definition of transgender and the umbrella it covers.

I’m going to put both transvestite and cross-dresser together for simplicity. Transvestites and cross-dressers are typically heterosexual males who wear traditionally feminine clothing. Transvestite has been labeled in the past to associate cross-dressing with sexual arousal, but that term has changed to transvestic fetishism.

Cross-dressers don’t associate with the LGBTQ community and don’t see themselves as anything but straight/heterosexual.  Drag queens and drag kings are not usually labeled as cross-dressers/transvestites. Why? Good question, actually.  People that dress in drag tend to be gay and cross-dressers tend to be straight.

As with all labels, nothing is black and white and there is plenty of gray area.  One person might identify as transgender but not as transsexual; another as cross-dresser and not transvestite.  There are also people who don’t identify as any gender.  They are genderqueer and don’t feel part of the society norm of binary gender (male or female) and the stereotypes associated with each gender.  I like to think of genderqueer as “gender free”; free of all gender labels and gender stereotypes, including clothes, roles and any society gender conformity.

I hope I helped answer the challenging definitions of labels.  As always, keep those questions coming!

October 14, 2010   5 Comments