Category — Relationships

This is one of those questions I can really only answer for myself.  Gay friends, please comment.

Attraction is a funny thing.  I can find a man attractive, and not want to do the dirty with him.  Likewise, I can find a woman attractive – identify that she is indeed, smokin’ hot, or beautiful, or what-have-you – and not be “attracted to” her.  For me, there is something beyond a person’s physical beauty that attracts me to them, “with genuine interest.”  One of those things is their ability to emotionally and physically commit to me.  If a woman isn’t able to do that, gay or straight, it’s not going to work.  My attraction to them won’t last.

Now, that’s not to say that, if a woman is smokin’ hot, and attracted to me, but unavailable for long-term, emotional commitment, that I won’t have genuine interest in her.  I might, but it’s a cruel trick played by pheromones.  However, if a woman really likes me as a person, but isn’t physically attracted to me, it’s not going to work for me, whether she’s gay or straight.  I need to know that my partner wants to be with me sexually.  And if a woman wants to be with me sexually, she’s not straight.

So, do I pursue a woman if I really connect with her, but I think she’s straight?  Only until I find out that she is.  Pursuing a relationship with a woman who is not attracted to me isn’t interesting to me.  Personally, I think it borders on emotional self-abuse.

I will add that this doesn’t happen very often at all for me.  I’ve found myself attracted to a few “straight” women who turn out to be not-so-straight when it comes down to it.  But I think there’s some built in mechanism by which lady-lovin’-ladies can sniff each other out.  It’s in the eyes.  Or the swagger, or the shoving of her tongue down my throat.  I don’t know.  Something subtle like that.

Thank you for asking this question.  Truly.

First off, I want to say that there is no singular answer for why someone has an affair, whether they’re gay, straight, or something else.  I think you’re right that talking with your ex-wife would probably answer your specific questions more completely, and I encourage you to do that as soon as you feel comfortable.

That said, here’s what I have experienced:

The short answer:

It’s not as though there’s a chapter in the lesbian play-book about how to snare yourself a straight man for the purposes of procreating.  It would be much easier and cheaper to go to the sperm bank.

The long answer:

Some women aren’t aware that they are, in fact, lesbians until they meet a woman who rocks their world and their understanding of what attraction is.  Some women think that it’s normal to not want to kiss their partner, or to be neutral about or even “grossed-out” by sex with a man.  I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve heard it described by my “straight” friends.

Some women are bi-sexual, and don’t think of themselves that way until they meet a woman to whom they are attracted.  It can be a total surprise to them, as well as to their partner.

Some women are willing to ignore the fact that they are, in fact, gay in order to try to live the white-picket fence dream of having a family and a husband and a home.   It’s the dream we are all taught to aspire to, and the default we start with.  I mean, most of our parents are straight, right?

As I’ve said before, there are certainly generational things going on that inform how it is that lesbian relationships look.  Without role models, or positive portrayals of lesbian relationships, we’ve had to figure out what it looks like to live our lives.

Based on the fact that you were married for more than 26 years, I’m going to make an assumption about your ages.  Generally speaking, my generation of lesbians (30ish) grew up in a shifting society, where the idea of being in a committed relationship with another woman wasn’t an impossible one.  It is something that’s presented as, “not what I’d want for my daughter, but at least it’s love.”

And still, I remember being in high school and deciding that I wouldn’t be gay.  Looking at my best guy friends and making a list of who I could most stand to spend my life with, knowing that I’d never be attracted to them.  I wasn’t thinking about building a strategic long-term relationship with them.  I was thinking that I liked them.  That I loved them even.  And that I’d be able to make it work.  They weren’t some suckers that I thought I could dupe.  They were loving, beautiful men whose friendship was so strong that I thought it could be enough to have a life-long emotional relationship with them.  Even while I was in a long-term relationship with a woman.

The generation older than mine (to which I’m assuming you and your ex belong) grew up in a very different world.  That world was one where the idea of two women living together was a near impossibility.  That only happened for spinster sisters or widows.  Relationships between women were hidden, deviant, and never aspired to.  In fact, gay sex was illegal in a number of states.

Nearly everything around us still screams that it would be much easier to be accepted; so much easier to fit in.  Books, movies, tv shows, magazines, cocktail parties, co-workers, and on and on, all point to the “normal” straight relationships that are the generally assumed goal.  And sometimes, the idea of trying to live that dream with a man can be enough to convince women who would otherwise live as lesbians to push down the essence of who they are in order to try to be “normal”.  Having a shot at a patently accepted life with someone you love – especially someone who is your best friend – can be tempting, even if you know you’re not attracted to him.

But society is changing.  And that means that lesbians who have, in the past, chosen to try to live a straight life are now living in a more accepting society.  And that can allow all of us the beautiful freedom to live our lives fully and honestly.  Something that wasn’t always the case.  For the women who find themselves in inauthentic relationships with men, however, the transition can be painful for them and for their partners.  I’m grateful that the current generation will have less of these painful transitions as they are able to be themselves more fully from the beginning.

It’s an incredibly hard thing to be yourself when you’re gay.  But it’s even harder to not be yourself.

In the end, who we are will always come to the surface.  I don’t know your wife, or the relationship that you have.  But when you are able to talk about the whats and whys, you may find that she wishes that she hadn’t hurt her best friend.  Just the fact that you want to understand why this happened instead of blindly blaming says a lot.  Thank you for taking the time to ask.  I hope that you will find the peace and great, authentic love that we all deserve.

There have been a few occasions when at a bar I have been talking to a woman and after the conversation she brushes by me with her breasts as she is walking away. As in full breast contact with me while there is plenty of room to maneuver. Since my cup size does not allow me this type of contact with another woman easily I am left wondering: is this common or intentional, like a ‘wink’? Am I missing an opportunity? Or is my imagination making a ‘boob’ of me?

It can be hard to know if a woman likes you.  My imagination can get me into serious trouble, so I’m a big fan of using your words to find out if she’s interested.  However, there are times when just aksing, “are you into me?” might kill the mood a bit.  In those instances, I’d use context clues.  Things to consider:

1.  Where are you when the alleged boobing occurs?  If you’re at a straight cowboy bar, it’s possible she’s just drunk and sloppy.  If you’re at a lesbian-only matchmaking dance party, she just might be coming on to you.

2.  Did you feel that “spark?”  Chances are, if you felt something, so did she.  This isn’t fool-proof, so be careful you don’t become the cocky, creep stalker at the bar, but if you’ve got a spark combined with unnecessary boobing, there’s a good chance she’s interested in you.

3.  As an athletically-built lady, I understand that you might not be able to reciprocate the maneuver without pressing your entire body against hers.  But is there some other body part you could use?  Long, flowing hair?  A little ba-dunky-dunk?  You might be able to determine her interest level with an equally unnecessary physical display.  Just be careful not to whip her in the eyes, or hip-check her.  You might want to practice at home or with friends.

Or, you could just use your words.  I mean, either way, really.

Thanks for the question, Carl.  Before I start, this is a good time for me to remind everyone that I’m not an expert, per se.  I am a lesbian, but I don’t have a degree in gender studies, and I’m not a doctor of psychology.  What I have to say comes from my own experience, or the experience of friends, when noted.

Let’s take a minute and flip the script.  Is there a difference, for you, between being married to a woman or a flamingly effeminate man?  Even someone who dresses in women’s clothes?  Someone with long hair and a soft body?

The plumbing is pretty important to me, and I’d wager it’s pretty important to you.  What we’re talking about here, though, more than sexuality, is gender norms.

I’ve said for a long time that it’s not the sleeping with people of the same sex that gets the gays into trouble, it’s the messing with gender norms.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, “which one of you is the boy?”

For me, the answer has always been, “neither,” but the fact that I keep getting the question shows that there’s an expectation that a relationship will have a male-acting partner, and a female-acting partner.  Even if both partners are the same sex.

Let’s break down your question:

I’ve known and worked with a few [butch dykes], and I view them as another man.

Do you really?  Or do you view them as capable workers, equal to doing the same job a man would.  Do you work in a field that is traditionally dominated by male workers?  Women in those types of jobs, whether gay or straight often act in a manner similar to their male equivalents, either out of physical necessity, or out of social necessity.  Women doing construction work will develop the same muscles as men, and it wouldn’t make sense for a female construction worker to show up to a job site in a skirt.  Even long hair can be a safety concern.  Equally, it’s a heck of a lot easier for her to relate as “one of the guys” than to be seen as the wife or girlfriend or secretary, or anything secondary to her male counterparts.

Even in law school, women were generally and directly instructed to emulate men when interviewing for jobs, inasmuch as we should lower the pitch of our voices – but not too much – to appear stronger, more masculine.  (The lesbians, however, were instructed to become a bit more feminine.)

But, when it comes to the lesbians that love them….what’s the difference between a very masculine woman and a slightly effeminate man? Other than the obvious plumbing?

I think that you actually hit the nail on the head.  The obvious plumbing is the difference.  It makes all the difference.

You see, I want to be with a woman, physically.  Even if that’s with a strap-on and a pair of motorcycle boots.  When it gets down to brass tacks, it’s the plumbing that matters in the sexual part of the homosexual relationship.  In the emotional part of the relationship, it matters, too.  But even if the gentle, tender emotional side of a woman is something I might be able to find in a man, it wouldn’t be enough for me.  I would still want to be with a woman.  And a woman who sees herself as a woman.

Gender expression can get a little sticky, because there are so many variations that can occur.  What does it mean, exactly to be a woman?  What does it mean to act like a woman?   Does it mean having long hair?  Wearing dresses?  Cooking and cleaning?  Having children?  Does it mean tending a garden, and liking to knit.  Does it mean having large breasts and a big collection of shoes?

Some women like wearing suits, and some like wearing skirts.  Some like ties and some like scarves.  We are as different as any group of people o this planet.  Some women identify as “butch” because they feel most comfortable in their skin when they’re wearing work boots.  That makes them no less a woman than those who prefer the term “femme” and a case of lipstick.  It doesn’t change their gender – just their gender expression.

For example, I have short hair.  Sometimes extremely so.  I also play softball, wear fairly androgynous clothing, love a good pair of motorcycle boots, and enjoy knitting as well as gardening and cooking.  Most of my friends would say that my expression tends to the butch side, though I think I’m darn close to the middle.  My head is turned far more often by girls with short hair and jeans hanging on athletic builds, than women in skirts and heels.   But that’s not the case for everyone.  We all have different tastes – for ourselves and for the women we’re attracted to.

I think there’s something generational going on, as well.  The butch/femme dynamic seems much more common in older generations – that is to say older than me.  For a long time, there have been no real visible role models for gay people.  Books and movies and popular culture have been devoid of our presence, except in specific, formulaic ways.  So we had to figure out what it meant to be in homosexual relationships outside of any real community.  It makes sense that we would emulate our parents, our grandparents, and everyone we saw portrayed around us.  It makes sense that it would be more accepted for two women to be together in a familiar-looking situation.   If most relationships consist of one male partner and one female partner, it’s not a far leap to say that there are two definitions of a lesbian:  one male-acting, one female-acting.

It’s clear, however, that things have changed from a binary definition of what it is to be a lesbian to a nearly completely open definition.

I had it easy, really.  Yes, I grew up in Idaho, which was not the hotbed of lesbian community that you might expect, but I still had people like Martina Navratilova, and Ellen, and a few other women to look to.  And gay-straight alliances started popping up when I was in college.  In a safe environment, I was able to explore what a lesbian relationship might look like for me.  And I quickly discovered that it wasn’t a butch/femme dynamic that interested me most.  My definition was softer, more fluid, as were the definitions of many of the women around me.

And now, the youngest generation of queer kids not only explores what it is to be gay or lesbian, they also explore what it is to identify as a man or woman, or as both or neither.  Each day.

Again, this is my experience.  The butch/femme dynamic is so cliché, and such a part of the psyche of the lesbian community that some people have careers based on it.  It’s a handy shorthand, and a punchline, but in the end, a woman gets to define herself in whatever way she likes.  And no matter what she wears or how she acts, the expression of her gender makes her no less a woman.  At least, in my eyes.

Reason I ask….no matter how much I try to be nice, I just view other women as enemies that must be dominated, belittled and outdone in all circumstances.  And I never put anything past other women when it comes to my husband.  Do gay women have to deal with competition from men?  So curious if this is even an issue, or if by definition gay women are completely immune to their charms.

With most questions about gay relationships, I find myself answering that the experience is much the same as straight relationships.  Yes, we bicker about money.  Yes, we like to hold each other and watch tv.  Yes, we get nervous when we meet the in-laws.  But this question has had me thinking for a couple of weeks about how different the experience of being a woman dating women is.

NOTE: As always, I’m answering this question from my personal perspective.  I’m not speaking for all of the gays – just one of the gays.  And this is something I’ve had experience with lately.

Dating. First of all, it seems to be a common issue for women who are dating women to be unclear whether and who they are actually dating.  Is a coffee date a date date, or just coffee? If you’re not kissing, but want to be, is that a date?  What if you haven’t communicated that desire to the other person?  Date?  For two single women to go out to coffee, or even dinner and a movie, isn’t necessarily a date.  For two single lesbians, however, it can be unclear.  Seriously unclear.

Maybe it’s the same for straight people, I’m not sure.  But I’m learning that, in order to make sure everyone is on the same page, it’s a good idea to be very clear up front about whether you are on a date, or hanging out as friends.

Men. As for men as competition, the women that I date or am interested in dating are lesbians.  Which means that, by and large, they aren’t attracted to men.  So, when it comes to seeing men as competition, no, I don’t see them that way.

However…

Competition. And this is where it gets interesting – I can see a lesbian as either a potential date, or as potential competition.  The same woman.  Which brings me back to the issue of knowing whether you are dating someone.  Because, if you are interacting with a woman based on an assumption that she’s a potential date, and it turns out she’s actually competition, it can seriously change the dynamic.  A woman can be one moment someone I might be on a date with, and the next moment someone who is dating someone I’d like to be dating.  It’s even possible that she can be both – at the same time.  Which makes my head and heart explode a little.

For example:  Recently, I found myself in separate, undefined dating-type situations with a couple of fantastic women.  We’d meet for coffee, or bike to pie, or just hang out and watch tv.  A couple of times a week.  I liked them both, found them attractive, and enjoyed spending time with each of them.  They knew that I was spending time with other women, and I knew the same about them.  I saw each of them as potential dates, and interacted with them as though I might like to date them.  But, as we started to define what it was we were doing (whether it was actually dating), we discovered that the three of us were, in fact, dating each other.  Yikes.  Unexpected.  Very quickly, I found that my interactions and feelings about these lovely women shifted and twisted.  I saw one of them as a date and one of them as competition.

And yes, I realize that seeing women as either quarry or competition is seriously limiting, but I think it’s something interesting to consider, nonetheless.  Especially given my reaction.  Yes, it’s time for me to examine the way I view women.  But it also illustrates a dynamic that I hadn’t noticed before.

And I think it’s very different from straight relationships.

So the short answer is, no, I don’t see men as competition.  I kind of think that would be easier.  Right now I feel like every coffee is a scene out of James Bond where I’m trying to figure out whether the beautiful woman across the table from me is a foreign agent about to trade my secrets for a chance at a new life.

Thanks for the question Heather!

There is a simple answer:  fashion.  And safety.  Perhaps you ‘ve noticed the lack of fashion savvy many of my lesbian sisters possess.  It’s like the lesbian gene is completely lacking fashion sense.  As though we collectively donated it to our homosexual brothers, and kept the home run derby genes for ourselves.

Why do we have gay boyfriends?  We have to keep our gayboys close to us so that we’re not gunned down in the street for our poor fashion choices.  It’s really that simple.

Why don’t we get married?  Believe me, honey, I’ve thought about this.  I LOVE my gayboy Jeffrey.  I could probably live the rest of my life with him.  Except that I don’t want to do the nasty with him.  Not even a teeny little bit.  (Jeffrey, I’m not saying you have a teeny little bit, so don’t come flying at me with that queeny rage of yours.)  I want to go shopping with him and talk horrible trash about people when I know I shouldn’t.  I don’t want to go to sleep next to him and wake up in his arms.

So, if I should ever be in the hospital and need someone to make a decision, or hold my hand as I go into surgery, I want it to be my partner – the woman I do sleep next to every night, and wake up with.  And I want the government, and my community, to acknowledge that my relationship with the woman I choose to spend my life with is every bit as valid, important, and worthy of protection, as anybody else’s.

Fabulous question, darling.

Thank you, LeAnna for those insightful, and related questions.  Let’s take them one at a time:

1.  Your cat is obsessed with your lady friend, because you are obsessed with your lady friend.  Either that, or your lady friend really does not like your cat.  Cats can sense these things, and like to be disagreeable.

2.  It is a common misconception that all lesbians have cats.  In fact, not all lesbians like cats, though all lesbians like pussy.  So, I think the better question is:  “is your lady friend really a lesbian if she doesn’t like your pussy?”

Thank you again for that question.