Should we really define our friends by gender or even accept those that do?
The questions surrounding gender identity and gender expression are fascinating, and ever-shifting. I am by no means an expert on the subject, but it’s something I consider on a regular basis. Usually when I get called “sir.â€
I’m going to take the question as it’s presented. There are other issues that come up when we’re looking for a partner – a mate. Gender identification and roles can prove helpful for some of us in those situations.
So, should we define our friends in terms of gender? I think it depends.
I define myself as a woman. It’s an important part of my experience and the story line that is my life. But whether I have a penis or breasts or both isn’t the essence of who I am. It does, however serve as a short-hand, signaling to other women that, without a word, we have a shared language. A shared set of experiences. We both probably know what it’s like to buy tampons, for example. In a world where resonance, community and commonality are important, I think there is value in using gender as a way to acknowledge similarities. That said, using any one factor as a singular definition of a person is dangerous. And limiting.
I’ve played softball with a number of trans folks, both those transitioning from male to female and from female to male. There have been times when I haven’t been sure how someone identifies. So I ask. I’ve found it incredibly humbling for me, and empowering for them, to ask the simple question, “what pronoun do you prefer?â€Â (I didn’t come up with that on my own. I learned the question at a training somewhere.) Just asking puts me in a vulnerable place, where I show my desire to define. But it also shows my respect in allowing the other person to define for themselves how they will be seen in the world.
So, I think the answer is that self-identification is incredibly important.
If someone wants to identify themselves as a man, a woman, neither or both, the best I can do is to allow room for that, acknowledge it, and accept the story-line they express for their life’s experience, whether that’s their gender, sexual orientation, race, culture, religion, or reality TV affiliation.
June 9, 2010 Comments Off on Should we really define our friends by gender or even accept those that do?